How to Flirt With FBI Agents
by ZenaraTheDragon
Summary: Jack Harkness meets the BAU team. Extreme flirtations ensue, as usual. Rated a high T (Mostly because Garcia and Harkness!) But it may change to a low M at the end... Pretty much 99% crack, 1% pre-pre-slash.
1. Part 1- Aaron Hotchner

A/N: Short chapters, but it at least won't be a year between chapters...

This spawned from a conversation between me and SmokeGetsInYourEyes, and... yeah. This happened.

* * *

 _*Knock knock!*_

"Come in," Hotch said, looking up from his desk.

A handsome man in a long coat ambled in, flashing a smile as bright as the sun. "Hi. SSA Aaron Hotchner? I'm Captain Jack Harkness, I was sent to assist on the new case? Not very often you get a suspect with inch-long claws."

"That's true," Hotch said, standing to shake Harkness's hand. "Thanks for coming in. We'll need help on this one."

"...Wow. You really do put the 'hot' in 'Hotchner'."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Sorry," Harkness said with a grin. "Unprofessional, I know. But..c'mon. A body like that, you've gotta work out, right?"

Hotch simply stared, too surprised to even use his full death glare. "Are you... Flirting with me?"

Harkness laughed. "My friends say I never stop flirting. But I don't think I need to tell you that- from what I hear, you're good at reading people."

Hotch blinked a few times, looking over the new agent as his glare crept onto his face. Indeed, Harkness's body language and expression all radiated honest interest, something like he was trying to catch a girl at a bar...

"Stop flirting with me," Hotch said, glare in full force. "It's inappropriate, and I'm straight..."

Harkness grinned even wider. "So is spaghetti... until it gets hot."

"And _married_ ," Hotch half-shouted. " _Get out of my office!_ "


	2. Part 2- Spencer Reid

A/N: Well, I know at least one person is in love with this fic, even if they _didn't review_... *cough SmokeGetsInYourEyes cough*

So here's the next chapter, anyways! And if you do like it, please review! :3

* * *

"Hi there."

Reid jumped, spilling coffee across the counter and his hand. "Ow!"

"Sorry," the stranger said, grabbing a napkin and swiping at the spill, wiping at the younger ma's hand. He paused with Reid's hand in his own, quickly noting that there were no injuries beside a slight reddening of the skin. "Cold water should help that," he said, looking- up, actually- at Reid's face.

"Thanks," Reid said, quickly removing his hand.

"Jack Harkness," the new guy said, offering his hand for a shake as Reid finished rinsing the injury.

"Spencer Reid- I, uh, don't like to shake hands..."

"Oh. I'm clean, I promise," Harkness laughed, but withdrew his hand. "So, you're the genius?"

Reid smiled a little. "I don't believe intelligence is measurable, but I do have an IQ of 187."

Harkness whistled. "That's impressive. Brainy's the new sexy, eh?"

"I- what?" Reid blinked.

"What, nobody's ever flirted with you before?"

"I- well, I guess, but..."

"You guess? Come on. You've gotta have girls- and/or guys- chasing after you all day!"

Reid blushed scarlet.

Harkness cocked his head. "Really? With that face? And such great hair?"

"My hair?" Reid stopped his hand from going to the feature in question.

"If it's as soft as it looks, I'd sell my soul to run my fingers through it."

Reid stammered something, blushing and nearly knocking over his coffee again. "I, ah, wh- why are you telling me this?"

"...You really haven't flirted much, have you?"

"...No?" Reid squeaked, looking rather like a hurt puppy.

"Well, just so you know, you are incredibly attractive." Harkness leaned on the counter and gave Reid his most charming smile.

Reid grabbed his coffee and almost ran to his desk.

" _And you've got a great ass!_ "


	3. Part 3- David Rossi

Harkness was called to meet another member of the team scant minutes after Reid sat down at his desk. As he walked to Rossi's office, Hotch gave him a death glare from inside his own office, which Jack countered with a bright grin and a wink.

"We do have non-fraternization rules here," Rossi said, looking amused. He motioned to the chair in front of his desk, and Harkness sat.

"From what I hear, they're mostly your fault," he said, smile flashing.

Rossi chuckled. "That's true. But they do exist," he said, "And you seem intent on breaking every one of them."

Harkness tilted his head. "What makes you say that?"

"You've been flirting _constantly_ since you got here. Not one action has been without intent to... _woo_. And you don't discriminate. Men, women... You're even flirting with an old fart like me."

"Hey. Don't knock the old farts," Harkness said, still grinning.

"Please," Rossi said. "You're too young to stick up for guys like me."

"You'd be surprised," Harkness said, smile fading almost imperceptibly.

Rossi noticed. "Well. I don't know what _that_ means, but I do know that all your flirting will get you nowhere here. A for effort, though."

Harkness laughed. "Good to meet you, Agent Rossi."

"You too," Rossi said. "And if you know what's good for you, _don't flirt with Agents Prentiss and Jareau!_ "

* * *

Gonna try to not forget about updating this thing. May upload the rest sporadically over the next couple weeks. Review are highly appreciated, and thank you to those who have left reviews so far! You guys are great! :)


	4. Part 4- Emily Prentiss

A/N: A bit OOC in this one, but... I'm happy with it. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed so far! :)

* * *

Prentiss and JJ watched the new guy move from office to office, occasionally commenting on his person- his hair, his smile... his ass...

After visiting Rossi, he noticed them on the other side of the bullpen and wandered over, smile aimed at them.

"All yours," JJ said, patting Prentiss on the back. "I've got a briefing to prepare." Preentiss scoffed and grinned, turning to face the new guy as JJ left the area, turning to grin at her friend before leaving.

"Hi there," New guy said, holding out a hand for a shake. "I'm Captain Jack Harkness."

"Emily Prentiss," she said, shaking his hand. He was flirting for sure. Every pore radiated charm, his demeanor and voice were smooth and alluring, and his face was perfectly composed to be friendly- and his good looks only helped.

"You're a BAU agent?" Harkness asked.

"Yep," Prentiss said. "Used to be interpol, though."

"Really?" Harkness's eyes brightened. "So you've done a bit of traveling?"

"Ha, yeah. You could say that," Prentiss said, smile waning.

"I'm guessing there's some bad memories there?" Harkness said. Prentiss nodded.

"Well, you know," Harkness said, "I know one place you haven't been where there are only good memories to be made."

Prentiss blinked and raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Harkness grinned. "My bed?"

* * *

From just outside his office, Rossi chuckled and shook his head as Harkness landed flat on his ass, trying to stop the flow of blood from his nose.

"I did warn him," Rossi sighed.


End file.
